If you tend to fly off the handle and struggle to find equilibrium after an outburst, it could be a sign of emotional dysregulation. Here’s why it happens – and what to do when emotions surge.
We all experience unpleasant emotions. It’s part of the human condition to feel anger, irritability, jealousy and anxiety.
But if you’re frequently overwhelmed by your emotions, have intense reactions that are disproportionate to the situation and struggle to calm down, you may be suffering from emotional dysregulation.
We asked experts to unpack the science behind emotional overwhelm – and how to find our footing in big moments.
What is dysregulation?
Dysregulation happens when your brain’s systems are failing to work in their optimal, adaptive way, neuroscientist and University of Tasmania lecturer Dr Lila Landowski says.
“Your nervous system has an optimal functioning range shaped by how alert you are,” Dr Landowski explains.
“Dysregulation occurs if you’re not very alert – we call this hypoarousal, where your performance isn’t great, like when your phone goes into battery saving mode.
“Or if you’re too alert – we call this hyperarousal, where you shift into anxiety and your performance tanks.”
Most often the culprit is hyperarousal, when the body’s stress response peaks and floods the brain with neurochemicals such as noradrenaline.
“This essentially short-circuits your access to the prefrontal cortex, the decision-making part of the brain,” Dr Landowski says.
“It also turns up activity in the amygdala, so emotions become heightened and your brain becomes less picky about what it flags as a potential threat.”
What happens to the body during dysregulation?
When we’re dysregulated, feelings can take over our thoughts and bodies before we can decide what to do with them.
We have difficulty managing the intensity and duration of an emotional state, and behave in ways we normally wouldn’t, Dr Landowski notes.
“A dysregulated person might rapidly escalate with strong emotions and act impulsively – think rage-quitting or saying something inappropriate,” she explains.
Or they might find themselves feeling numb or shutting down.
“They may catastrophise and see things worse than they actually are,” she says.
“Their ability to stay on task and resist distractions drops, they are more likely to be forgetful and make errors, and they may become more selfish as they struggle to see other people’s perspectives.”
Why do we react this way?
Emotional dysregulation can be a symptom of mental health conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), or it could arise from immediate conflict or longer-term trauma.
“It can be exacerbated by an argument with your partner or it can stem from prolonged stress, such as an ongoing pandemic or a toxic home or work environment,” psychologist Carly Dober, of Enriching Lives Psychology, explains.
How strongly we react depends on a combination of biology and life experiences, Dr Landowski adds.
“Vulnerability to dysregulation usually comes down to three interacting factors – how easily hyperarousal is triggered, how effectively someone can self-regulate and the overall load they’re carrying, be it stress, demands or illness,” the neuroscientist explains.
What are the signs of emotional dysregulation?
You may witness the physical signs of someone experiencing emotional dysregulation.
“They might shut down or have an intense emotional reaction,” Dober explains.
“They also might self-isolate or start breathing very rapidly.”
Dober advises offering them a break from the conversation or the experience, a short walk or a cool glass of water.
“It is about removing the immediate stress from the person and offering an ear if they would like to discuss what’s going on,” she says.
How to build an emotional regulation toolkit
It’s never too late to learn regulation skills and begin to feel more in control.
Here are three of Dr Landowski’s strategies to help steady yourself when emotions surge:
#1. Try the ‘physiological sigh’
This breathing technique can act as a direct line to your nervous system.
“Take a double inhale through your nose – the first to fill your lungs and the second to fully fill any remaining space – then exhale a long, slow breath through your mouth, releasing all the air from your lungs,” Dr Landowski advises.
#2. Find your friends
Reach out to one of nature’s best stress relief systems: other humans.
“Being around – and hugging – supportive people changes how your brain reads a stressful situation and reduces how many stress hormones are released,” Dr Landowski says.
Bonus points if you can immerse yourselves in nature.
“Even green space micro breaks of 1-5 minutes have measurable stress-reduction effects,” she says.
#3. Bolster your beliefs
Our beliefs dramatically shape our response to stress.
You might tell yourself a racing heart and sweaty palms before a big presentation are signs you’re not coping, but Dr Landowski says this is all part of your nervous system’s sophisticated process to get oxygen, nutrients and blood flow to the parts of the body that need it.
“When we remind ourselves this is our body’s way of helping us achieve peak performance, we’re more likely to release the right amount of stress hormones, like cortisol, to help us deal with that challenge – rather than veering dangerously high into the anxiety-provoking levels that tank performance,” she says.