More Australians are being diagnosed with ADHD. When it shows up in a relationship, there are tools to help the connection survive – and thrive.
Unfinished projects, lost keys and impatience were hints of ADHD early in my relationship with John.
It wasn’t until we had our son and were thrown into the pressure cooker of new parenthood that emotional dysregulation and overwhelm bubbled to the surface.
His diagnosis last year was a game changer.
We dived into research together, and talked about how ADHD showed up for him. Many aha moments followed.
What is ADHD?
Chances are, you know or love someone living with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
The condition is common, with the ADHD Foundation Australia estimating one in 20 Australians has the neurodevelopmental disorder.
While some may question whether ADHD is overrecognised, the Brain Foundation notes it has become better identified in recent years, partly due to more accurate diagnosis and more awareness.
How ADHD shows up in relationships?
ADHD is characterised by a persistent pattern of attention, concentration and impulse-control problems that impacts everyday life.
In relationships, it can show up as forgetfulness, disorganisation, emotional dysregulation and impulsivity – but experts say people with ADHD can flourish in a strong, healthy relationship.
I now recognise when John is becoming overwhelmed and can gently encourage a walk in nature or a surf.
I know to send him a list before grocery shopping, we’ve made spaces where our keys live and we’ve levelled up our communication.
Learning more about his brain has amplified all the things I love about John.
There is so much to celebrate about an ADHD partner.
For me, it’s his creativity, connection to nature, playfulness and deep empathy. It’s the best brain I know.
5 ways to help love thrive in your ADHD relationship
If someone you love has ADHD, here’s how to strengthen your bond while appreciating and acknowledging each other’s differences.
#1. Educate yourself
First of all, learn about it – and be visible in your learning, ADHD coach Liz Welshman says.
“It’s such a show of love to demonstrate you want to learn alongside someone close to you as they are learning too,” Welshman says.
Turn to reliable sources – books, podcasts and credible websites – and be curious about your loved one’s experience.
“Ask them open-ended questions about what ADHD is like for them and how it is presenting,” Welshman suggests.
#2. Communicate clearly
Psychologist Mariane Power says instead of hoping your partner picks up on hints, it helps to say exactly what you mean – kindly and directly.
“Trying something like ‘I want to make sure I said that clearly – what did you take from what I just said?’ is a simple way to avoid miscommunication without putting anyone on the defensive,” Power explains.
“Following up important conversations with a quick message or adding key points to a shared calendar takes the pressure off memory.”
And don’t be afraid to add humour.
“ADHD brains often love a little – or a lot – of playfulness and spontaneity,” Power says.
#3. Encourage, don’t judge
Mental health occupational therapist Becca Roberts says one of the most damaging assumptions about people with ADHD is that they’re lazy or not trying.
“ADHD isn’t a motivation problem; it’s a brain-based difference in executive functioning. ADHD brains can work very hard just to meet baseline expectations,” she explains.
Positive feedback boosts self-esteem and motivation, and Roberts advises acknowledging and rewarding accomplishments, no matter how small.
“Saying things like ‘Just try harder’ or ‘You just need to focus’ can lead to shame and self-doubt,” she explains.
“Instead, try to validate their effort and explore together what might help their focus, such as using a timer or changing environments.”
#4. Share the load
Shared calendars, visual reminders, clear expectations and regular check-ins are among the team-based strategies to help both partners feel validated and supported, Power says.
“When both people see it as ‘us united towards solutions’ instead of ‘you’re the problem that needs fixing’, it changes everything,” she says.
Prioritising downtime is also important, because ADHD brains can easily swing between hyperfocus and burnout.
“Creating sensory-friendly spaces like a quiet nook, soft lighting or a well-organised workspace can help support emotional regulation and reduce overwhelm, especially during recovery periods after high stimulation or burnout,” Power suggests.
#5. Take care
Beware of the tendency to slip into a parent-child dynamic, Welshman cautions.
“Our job is not to fix our loved ones; resisting this is important so we don’t rescue our partners – rather, we support them as they begin to build more confidence in their own capacity,” she says.
Welshman says being a partner to a person with ADHD comes with joys and frustrations, so the ability to self-regulate and having appropriate boundaries are important.
“ADHD is a relationship-level challenge, not just a personal one,” she says.
“When both people show up with empathy, accountability and humour, relationships can absolutely survive and thrive – I’ve seen them be the ultimate container for the self-growth and development of both partners.”