In the fog of early motherhood, perinatal psychologist Yara Heary remembers anger so intense she thought she might combust.
Running on little sleep, with the same relentless routine stretching out ahead of her, the mother of two found herself overwhelmed by waves of frustration, compounded by a lack of support.
“I’d feel my heart rate rise, tingling in my hands and that desperate sensation of wanting to get out of my own body,” recalls Heary, founder of Life After Birth Psychology.
The rage showed up on the outside, too.
“A plate of pasta upended against a wall, words spoken to my husband through gritted teeth sharper than they needed to be, snapping at my kids when they were simply being kids,” she says.
If you’ve ever screamed, snapped or spiralled then been riddled with guilt and shame, you’re not alone.
You may also be experiencing ‘mum rage’.
What is ‘mum rage’?
Also known as maternal rage, it describes intense feelings of anger or frustration that arise in motherhood, often linked to the cumulative pressures of parenting, unmet needs or postpartum hormonal changes.
Heary says motherhood can be a perfect storm of stressors.
“We have sleep deprivation, physical depletion, the relentless demand of caregiving and often a profound loss of autonomy and identity,” she explains.
“When the nervous system is chronically overwhelmed, the threshold for activation lowers significantly. Things that might otherwise feel manageable suddenly don’t.”
‘Mum rage’ is common, but not commonly talked about
Heary says many women carry deep shame about their anger, shaped by longstanding expectations of what motherhood “should” look like.
“The dominant cultural narrative is one of the self-sacrificing, endlessly patient, emotionally available mother – and anger doesn’t fit that image,” she says.
So, when anger surfaces, many mothers interpret it as a personal failing, rather than a natural response to sustained pressure.
For some, motherhood may be the first time they encounter this intensity of anger.
“Many of us spend decades becoming very skilled at containing and suppressing our anger so by the time we reach motherhood our backpacks are already full,” Heary says.
“When we add the weight of modern parenting, it can be the first time we truly feel the full extent of that anger – and that can be confronting.”
How to work through the rage
Heary says the rage experienced in motherhood is not a character flaw to be feared or judged – it is information.
“It’s telling you that something isn’t working in your life, and it deserves your attention rather than your shame,” she says.
Tips to deal with mum rage
Rage in motherhood isn’t a character flaw. It’s a signal that something needs to change.
Here, Heary shares her expert advice for moving forward.
#1. Break the cycle
Recognise the pattern: anger, shame, overcompensation, suppression, then more anger.
“Once you can understand the cycle, you can begin to interrupt it,” she says.
#2. Soothe your system
Be curious about what helps your nervous system settle.
“It might be breath, movement, cold water or stepping outside – learn what works for you and reach for it when activation is high,” she says.
#3. Lean on others
Call in others for connection and support while you focus on sleep, nutrition and movement.
“When the body is depleted, the threshold for overwhelm drops significantly,” she says.
#4. Express your needs
Get clear on what you need and practise asking for it.
“This is important for anyone, but particularly for those relied on as heavily as mothers,” she says.